Notes from the war

The Prime Minister returned today from a meeting in Berlin with the German Chancellor and confirmed for the 893rd time that “D Day means D Day”. Herr Hitler had requested a “Soft D Day” and that the German government should be allowed to  advise as to where and when it would take place, but the PM said that the British government had been unable to reach a decision on whether they could accept this, and was referring the matter back to the House of Commons as soon as its members returned from playtime.

At Bletchley Park, Buckinghamshire, a Mr A. Turing was reprimanded for offences that included breaking accepted codes of behaviour. Not only was his so-called “typewriter” confiscated, but he was told that, if he didn’t behave himself, once the war was over, the whole area would be covered in Milton Keynes. He retreated whimpering, with an enigmatic look on his face.

In a leak from a top secret meeting between the British government and a leading German aircraft company, it was revealed that the German company has been successful in a bid to build engines for the new model of Spitfires for the RAF. Spokesobergruppenführer Kevin Stuka confirmed that his company had absolutely no links at all whatsoever with Nazi Germany, and complained at such an impolite and impertinent suggestion based on absolutely not much evidence at all. Questioned about the reliability of these engines he declared that they were identical to engines designed by Rolls-Royce, and he had the diagrams to prove it. Well, actually, photographs of the diagrams. Only a handful of totally unnecessary components so small as to be almost invisible were missing from the German equivalents, and their engines were much cheaper, since the company had been able to avoid research and development costs. A British government spokesman, Mr Gary Twoplanks, said he was delighted that this important and cost-cutting deal could go ahead.

At a court in Essex, Mr. Wayne Footballer, 17, described as a company director, pleaded guilty to a charge of referring to Adolf Hitler as a “Nazi”, in an overheard private conversation. In the hope of leniency, Mr Footballer pleaded that, because he had been born with two left feet, he had absolutely no idea who Adolf Hitler was. However, the judge, Mr Justice Ribbentrop, took a dim view, wagged his finger at the accused and, sentencing him to 25 years’ hard labour, told him in no uncertain fashion that such repellent terms as “Nazi” were reserved only for the worst members of society, such as patriots, war heroes, elderly vicars, people who vote Conservative, Morris dancers, disabled pensioners who ask politely if they might be allowed to use a priority seat on the bus, and anyone else whose views he disagreed with.

Psychological trauma resulting from bombardment with high explosive bombs was blamed fairly and squarely on the government for failing to invest adequately in counselling services.

On the news on the Home Service, listeners were warned that today’s episode of “The Blitz” would include flashing images from the start, although as it was a wireless station they wouldn’t be able to see them. And if they didn’t want to know the result they should go away now and make some spam fritters for the war effort.

Contrary to the Prime Minister’s statement that “D Day means D Day”, it was proposed by the opposition that the invasion of Europe should be cancelled on health and safety grounds. It could be dangerous, it would be unfair on those people stigmatised as “the enemy”, and in any case there was a national shortage of high-viz tabards. Not only that, but the French president had a holiday home in Normandy and he was particularly concerned for his hoard of illicit Camembert. Subsequently it was pointed out that when he said Normandy he did of course mean Norway, and it was very secret. And fish. Not Camembert at all.

Breaking news from Poland. Aerial footage of a large installation in the south of the country featuring railway sidings, accommodation units, and a group of mysterious buildings resembling shower blocks, was declared by a spokesman (referred to only as  Dr. J. G.) to be a re-educational establishment caring for minorities. When asked about the supposed shower blocks, each one large enough to accommodate 2,000 people at a time, he laughed using his club foot and joked that some people claimed that they resembled gas chambers, ha ha Gott in Himmel ha, how perfectly ridiculous and insulting, and reminded the enquirer about the importance of trade agreements and harmonious international relationships.

 
And finally. If you have been affected by any of the issues in today’s episode of “The War” we’re here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, just behind where the air raid shelter should have been built two years ago. Write to us anonymously and in full confidence, enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope for reply.