The Prime Minister returned today from a meeting in Berlin
with the German Chancellor and confirmed for the 893rd time that “D Day means D
Day”. Herr Hitler had requested a “Soft D Day” and that the German government
should be allowed to advise as to where
and when it would take place, but the PM said that the British government had
been unable to reach a decision on whether they could accept this, and was
referring the matter back to the House of Commons as soon as its members returned
from playtime.
At Bletchley Park, Buckinghamshire, a Mr A. Turing was reprimanded
for offences that included breaking accepted codes of behaviour. Not only was his
so-called “typewriter” confiscated, but he was told that, if he didn’t behave
himself, once the war was over, the whole area would be covered in Milton
Keynes. He retreated whimpering, with an enigmatic look on his face.
In a leak from a top secret meeting between the British
government and a leading German aircraft company, it was revealed that the
German company has been successful in a bid to build engines for the new model
of Spitfires for the RAF. Spokesobergruppenführer Kevin Stuka confirmed that
his company had absolutely no links at all whatsoever with Nazi Germany, and
complained at such an impolite and impertinent suggestion based on absolutely
not much evidence at all. Questioned about the reliability of these engines he
declared that they were identical to engines designed by Rolls-Royce, and he had
the diagrams to prove it. Well, actually, photographs of the diagrams. Only a
handful of totally unnecessary components so small as to be almost invisible were
missing from the German equivalents, and their engines were much cheaper, since
the company had been able to avoid research and development costs. A British
government spokesman, Mr Gary Twoplanks, said he was delighted that this
important and cost-cutting deal could go ahead.
At a court in Essex, Mr. Wayne Footballer, 17, described as
a company director, pleaded guilty to a charge of referring to Adolf Hitler as
a “Nazi”, in an overheard private conversation. In the hope of leniency, Mr
Footballer pleaded that, because he had been born with two left feet, he had absolutely
no idea who Adolf Hitler was. However, the judge, Mr Justice Ribbentrop, took a
dim view, wagged his finger at the accused and, sentencing him to 25 years’
hard labour, told him in no uncertain fashion that such repellent terms as “Nazi”
were reserved only for the worst members of society, such as patriots, war
heroes, elderly vicars, people who vote Conservative, Morris dancers, disabled pensioners
who ask politely if they might be allowed to use a priority seat on the bus,
and anyone else whose views he disagreed with.
Psychological trauma resulting from bombardment with high
explosive bombs was blamed fairly and squarely on the government for failing to
invest adequately in counselling services.
On the news on the Home Service, listeners were warned that
today’s episode of “The Blitz” would include flashing images from the start, although
as it was a wireless station they wouldn’t be able to see them. And if they
didn’t want to know the result they should go away now and make some spam
fritters for the war effort.
Contrary to the Prime Minister’s statement that “D Day means
D Day”, it was proposed by the opposition that the invasion of Europe should be
cancelled on health and safety grounds. It could be dangerous, it would be
unfair on those people stigmatised as “the enemy”, and in any case there was a
national shortage of high-viz tabards. Not only that, but the French president
had a holiday home in Normandy and he was particularly concerned for his hoard
of illicit Camembert. Subsequently it
was pointed out that when he said Normandy he did of course mean Norway, and it
was very secret. And fish. Not Camembert at all.
Breaking news from Poland. Aerial footage of a large
installation in the south of the country featuring railway sidings,
accommodation units, and a group of mysterious buildings resembling shower
blocks, was declared by a spokesman (referred to only as Dr. J. G.) to be a re-educational
establishment caring for minorities. When asked about the supposed shower
blocks, each one large enough to accommodate 2,000 people at a time, he laughed
using his club foot and joked that some people claimed that they resembled gas
chambers, ha ha Gott in Himmel ha, how perfectly ridiculous and insulting, and
reminded the enquirer about the importance of trade agreements and harmonious
international relationships.
And finally. If you have been affected by any of the issues in today’s episode of “The War” we’re here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, just behind where the air raid shelter should have been built two years ago. Write to us anonymously and in full confidence, enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope for reply.
