The Three Esses

Hi everybody. Remember The Three Esses. Thank you for choosing to travel with us today. Remember The Three Esses at all times. Please be aware that this vehicle, in order to complete its journey, needs to move. Movements may include starting, speeding up, turning, slowing down and stopping, and they may occur without advance  warning. Please do not be alarmed, but remain standing at all times. In the unlikely event of seating becoming available please leave the vehicle immediately, as it may have reached its final destination.

Attempting to board or leave this vehicle while it is in motion, or standing in front of it having an important phone conversation while it is moving towards you, could result in life changing injuries. Should this happen, you are entitled to compensation because it means we haven’t clarified this issue appropriately in a form which you are able to understand.

Should you see anything unusual, such as people queuing inappropriately in an orderly fashion, please remember The Three Esses. We are Smug, Stupid and Sanctimonious. Should you see anything suspicious, such as someone reading the “Daily Mail”, or looking as though they might do, even occasionally, or someone attempting to leave the vehicle at a stop popular with pro-Brexit voters, you can text 1984 to the British Thought Police. This vehicle is fully monitored by CCTV and hidden microphones. Don’t even think of trying to put your fingers in your ears and not listening.

Should anything untoward occur we won’t have the foggiest idea what to do, and if at all possible we won’t be around. But we’ve told you about The Three Esses, so we reckon we’re covered. We would like to remind you that referring to terrorists as “terrorists” is a serious offence.

We will press for the harshest penalties against anti-social behaviour, which includes complaining about such matters as the consumption of smelly food by fellow passengers, the parking of obesity scooters across the exits, the repeated chanting of “Chelsea are wankers”, children playing with guns or knives or sulphuric acid, the use of electronic toys with the volume turned right up, or the fact that this vehicle is running extremely late. Hate crimes - such as smiling at people who are drop-dead gorgeous, avoiding people who are barking mad, extremely smelly or otherwise obnoxious, or offering one’s seat to someone perceived to be in some way different from oneself – are all deeply offensive and will be dealt with severely. This is a no smoking vehicle and the use of cigarettes and e-cigarettes will be tolerated.

 
You can download our app which provides intellectually unchallenging advice about holding on tightly, and you can follow us on TwitFace. Remember The Three Esses. Smug. Stupid. Sanctimonious. The next stop will be Hi everybody. Remember The Three Esses. Thank you for choosing to travel with us today.