The Secret Science of Literature

Following BBC4’s “The Secret Science of Pop”, broadcast on Tuesday evening, tonight Armand Lechauve, Professor of Pseudoscience at the University of SW7, presents “The Secret Science of Literature”. Pouring 17,385 terabytes of data into the latest software he will analyse the entire history of English literature to establish objectively, scientifically, what makes for a successful work. Dismissing Shakespeare as a scribbler of ditties for pre-pubescent girls, anyone alive before 1970 as irrelevant, qualities like plot, characterisation, atmosphere and emotion as romantic and unscientific nonsense, he will cite the major developments in the history of English literature as the first publication of “Viz” magazine and the invention of Microsoft Word, which can creatively re-format text in ways that poor bumbling humans had never imagined possible.

Getting into his stride, and strolling meaningfully down the King’s Road on a wet morning, Professor Lechauve notes the sudden emergence of otters as a major theme, in works such as “The Wind in the Willows” and “Tarka the Otter”. Developing this theme further, he is able to establish that, in terms of otter content, Charles Dickens, D. H. Lawrence, Ian Fleming, the Milton Keynes phone book and last Wednesday’s issue of the “Metro” are seriously, objectively, and scientifically deficient as items of literature.

In an interesting experiment he invites an aspiring author, Arthur Conan Doyle, to consider modifications which could improve the crappy little tale he has written. A sample of the revised text goes like this:

“Watson, the game’s afoot. I must go”.

“Go, Holmes? Where to?”

“Why, to Devon, of course”.

“Devon?”

“Indeed, Watson, to Ottery St Mary”.

“Ah ha, I’d wondered how long it would be before you were summoned to investigate this most singular tragedy that has befallen the Baskerville family”.

“Quite so, my dear fellow. I must examine the footprints for myself”.

“Footprints, Holmes?”

“Yes, Watson. I believe that they are nothing less than the footprints of a gigantic  otter, a fearful beast with drooling phosphorescent jaws that has been terrorising Dartmoor for weeks”.

Arthur looks unimpressed, but is too polite to say anything. Fearing he has failed to convince, Professor Lechauve suggests that the story could be further improved by setting it to a rap rhythm.

Nevertheless, unfazed by this disappointing turn of events, the good professor turns to a computer guaranteed to produce the perfect piece of literature. He taps in the key parameters, and shortly afterwards the printer starts to chug. The professor lifts off the first page and reads aloud. “Otter otter otter otter otter otter …” it begins, and continues thus for 729 gripping, heart-wrenching pages.

“This is what makes a successful piece of literature”, he declares. “Aspiring authors who want to make it onto the best seller charts would do well to copy it exactly. It’s all a matter of physics and neuroscience”.

 
Next week Professor Lechauve will be present “The Secret Science of Location”, which will establish with scientific objectivity that there’s really nowhere better than Swindon.